Tanner Jack Sundwall

Tanner Jack turned 12 on May 2nd. He received the Priesthood that same day. I'm still in shock!

I love this boy. He and I share some good history together. He's my firstborn son, after all. He is a soft-hearted, sensitive guy. I love his literal view on things, his judicious perspective of the world. He rounds out my moral compass, you could say. I love his freckled nose and his mischievous grin, his passion for sports and his knowledge of the gospel. I love that he tries his best at whatever it is he's doing (except maybe washing dishes :).

I love his love of children. He finds great humor in the innocence of small people. I love that he knows what he wants and isn't afraid to let you know. Sometimes in a really loud voice.

When Tanner learned to talk, I'd sometimes say to him, "There's my Tanner Jack!" and he'd say, in his slaughtered baby talk, "I not Nack, I Nanner."

I hope he always knows who he is and how much he is loved.


This will come as a shock, but Tanner's birthday party was simply this: a night at a Mariner's game (hot dogs and junk food included) with his best buds: Tucker, Sawyer, Andrew, Preston and Jared. And of course, Dad and Grandpa Dale. The Demarini baseball bat (above and below) is his beloved sidekick, bestowed by the Lewis boys. A true friend knows the desires of your heart...

Pie, not cake. I blame myself, really. I haven't been able to produce a decent birthday cake but for a few times in my children's lives. They've all turned to other forms of birthday dessert.

The Bat. Look at the awe and affection on my boy's face. :)

Boys in motion.

Friends + baseball = Utopia.

I love you Tanner!!

A Mother's Day Reminder to Myself

Today is Mother's Day 2010. It's been the best Mother's Day I've ever had. In retrospect, I believe perhaps it's been the best because of the dichotomy between yesterday and today.

Yesterday was not my best "mother's" day. I was completely out of sync. I fully admit it; there was major mental drama going on in my head. While the reasons for such unscrupulous instability are not fully clear to me, by the end of the day I had myself in such a maternal frenzy that I was almost completely paralyzed by the fear that I would be the sole cause of any and every snag my children will encounter in mortality. You can imagine how exhausted I was by bedtime. Spending an entire day convincing yourself you're a diabolical wreck is very draining.

This morning I woke to a sense of foreboding, yesterday's sentiments still lingering in the shadows of sleep. I immediately decided I was not going to allow my own fears to ruin a perfectly good Mother's Day. After a hearfelt prayer I dove headfirst into another day of motherhood.

And it was a wonderful day. It began with breakfast in bed and gifts and cards, then a 2-mile family hike on a gloriously sunny, warm day. We made it on time to church with four kids bathed, clothed and all shoes on their feet before we pulled into the parking lot. After church Sean and the kids made me dinner while I played the piano for an hour. We then hit the park. Afterward it was home for ice cream and family home movies.

Watching movies of my kids half of their own lifetimes ago struck me like an electric current. We haven't pulled out the videos in quite awhile, so their miniature "previous" selves were a curious, nostalgic reminder of what I'm really trying to accomplish as a mother.

These children are my life, but they are not just mine. I know they were Heavenly Father's long before they were sent to me. I am humbled by the trust He has placed in Sean and myself to raise them in a way that will gently steer them back to Him. I am grateful, so very grateful for the opportunity to know them, to wake up every day to the promise that if I do all I can, I can spend forever in their presence.

Yesterday I was afraid. Afraid that I won't be enough, won't know enough, won't care enough to make a difference in the lives of those I love the most. And I was right: I'm not enough. Not on my own. I recognize the need for my Heavenly Father's love and direction, and perhaps most importantly, the need to trust Him in His infinite wisdom to know what's best for those that I am not capable of loving the way He loves.

So I am taking this opportunity to remind myself that I am not the only one with a vested interest in the outcome of my efforts in regard to my children. I can do anything with the help of my Heavenly Father.

General Patton once said, "Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." My Mother's Day wish is to mold my fears into the courage necessary to be the best mother I can be.

May the shadow of my love linger always in the lives of my children.